Lisa's Little Life

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Let it go!

I had to giggle at myself just now. I’m sitting here and my heart is racing because of what this blog is about and how am I going to word it without upsetting people and that I need to get it all out and yada yada yada and what’s the first things I do? I changed the font, size, and color. Not like y’all can see it but because I like size 16 and I hate normal looking fonts and I love the color purple.

So what’s the point in that? Well, I’m not normal. Most of you already know that. My life is pretty much an open book and for that very reason, I get “in trouble” or “talked to” because people don’t like that. This blog is going to be filled with what some of you will consider TMI but it’s something that’s been on my heart lately. I’ve been obsessed with “Let It Go” from the Frozen soundtrack and the chorus has hit really close to home… “Don’t let them in, don’t let them see. Be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal, don’t feel. Don’t let them know… well, now they know… let it go!” So here I am…. letting it go!
let it go
Let me take you back to as far as I can remember – so let’s say 5ish. Baby dolls. Lots and lots of baby dolls – riding in my dump trucks of course – but lots and lots of baby dolls. Samantha was the first one I remember. I still have her. I named her after my friend when she moved (she came back and is currently on my facebook page!) and it made me feel close to Sam when I missed her. Growing up I always had baby dolls.

My dream in life: to be a mommy and not just to a doll but to a real baby.

When you’re little it’s: Lisa and Jimmy sitting in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g! First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in a baby carriage. No one fails to talk about that it doesn’t happen that easily or ever!

Back in early 2009, Jimmy went to the doctor for his psoriasis and he was on the shots to clear it up. The doctor told him that if he wanted to have a family, then he needed to get off the shots ASAP because it would take up to 6 years to build that stuff back up. We did a lot of research and found out that it did so much internal damage than just that. So when we hear people say things like “oh but your skin looked so great while you were on it…” Well, yeah but chosing to be selfish and have clear skin or have kids was a no-brainer. So off the shots he went and we decided to give this whole family thing a shot!

The emotional side:
I…well, we… have endured a lot of negativity about us having kids. We’ve heard everything from “maybe the timing isn’t right” (well duh!) to the harshest “you better not have kids because then you can’t work and won’t have money!”
While Jimmy just writes this off as people being stupid and selfish, it takes a different tole on me. I would cry myself to sleep. I’d shut people off. I’d isolate myself. This isn’t something that isn’t written on how to deal with – if there is a book – someone find it for me.
It wasn’t just the negativity, it was the everyday life that was draining me. It STILL drains me. It’s the whole “oh look, a cute baby! I want one!” or the conversations that look like this:
So when are y’all gonna have kids?
We’ve been trying for 5 years!
Oh…. awkward silence… Well, it’ll happen when it’s time! Patience is a virtue!
It’s also the whole “man, I can’t wait to take baby Geneva or our baby boy on this ride at Disney!” and seeing the sadness on my husbands face and him seeing mine. It’s the whole taking your temp, marking everything down, calculating everything, downloading app after app, book after book, prayer after prayer, position after position (YES, I SAID IT!) and let’s not forget the sadness that comes when Aunt Flo decides to visit you every month… a nice big slap in the face for not getting pregnant. All of those things are SO draining on a person.
The worst part? Seeing my husband get upset because he sees the hurt and pain in my eyes because he knows that a part of me just dies every time. The hole in my heart gets bigger. He tries to comfort me but he doesn’t know how to deal with emotions. The best that he can do is let me cry on his shoulder and look me right in the eyes and tell me that he loves me. No one taught him how to deal with infertility either. So this is new to both of us.

On the positive side of things:
Although there are a few people that don’t want us to have kids – there are a TON that do! We have people praying for us all the time – probably more than what I know! Those people are the people that I like! Those are the people that have reached out to me and said “hey, I’m here for you!” or “I’ve been there and it’s gonna take time but I know what you’re going through! If you ever need to talk, I’m here!” THOSE ARE THE PEOPLE THAT ARE AWESOME IN MY BOOK!!!!

One big thing that gets me through my day-to-day struggle on this is my faith. I can not even begin to tell you the awesomeness of it and how He’s gotten me through. My favorite Bible verse is Jeremiah 29:11 which says “‘For I know the plans for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future!'” AMEN! To me that screams “YO LISA! I’VE GOT THIS ALL UNDER CONTROL! CHILL OUT!” But sometimes I need that reminder. I know that the Lord will take care of the negative people. I also know that when the time is right, it will all be in HIS timing – not mine, not yours, – HIS and ONLY HIS!

Now what?
Well, we’re currently saving to get our own place to call “home” and we will be moving within the next few months. We haven’t had a place to call that yet so I’m excited. We know that the stress level on both of us will drop dramatically and that’s gonna put us in a nice spot. So we’re going to give it a year after we move out and in to the new place. If nothing happens in that time frame, we’re both going to get tested to see if anything else is wrong. We know that I have a thyroid problem but my doctor has reassured me that my levels are normal and I should be able to get pregnant.
Also, we’re eating better and losing weight. We’re training for a 5k in May. We have one major downfall and it’s the same downfall: fast food. I’m supposed to be gluten free but let me tell you, when I work a crazy shift or a night shift, I am hungry when I get off work and it’s so convenient that there’s McD’s right there on the corner. UGH! IT’S SO BAD FOR YOU! We know that! I’m actually going to give it up for the rest of the month and maybe next month too. I did it for 40 days before, I can do it again.
I also try to keep myself busy to keep my mind off of things. I’m now on my second homemade “Wreck This Journal” and am loving it. I love that I can personalize it like Michelle did with the first one. I listen to lots of music. I’ve been remembering some great, old songs that I forgot about. I’ve been obsessed with the one line in “I Give Myself Away” which says “Take my heart, take my life as a living sacrifice. All my dreams all my plans, Lord I place them in Your hands.” It goes with my favorite verse. I’ve also been working a lot lately so that helps. Like I said earlier, I’ve been training and that gives me time to think and praise. I watch a lot of youtube videos. We’ve been watching CTFxC a lot. Jimmy finally realized why we’ve been watching them more and not Shay as much. Charles and Ally are close to our age and don’t have any kids. I guess that makes Jimmy feel like we have more in common with them… and the fact that they’re fellow Floridians and we recognize where they are a lot of times when they’re out and about! I’ve also buried myself in makeup and beauty products and making my own videos on them. I’ve also been taking a lot of pictures. I’m actually going to go do that once I get done with this. So I do stay busy to try to keep my mind off of it. It doesn’t always work but it helps.

So while I know that my situation isn’t the best right now, I know it’ll get better soon and hopefully we’ll be able to hold our precious baby in our arms. They’ll be perfect in every way. A part of me can’t help but giggle at what our kids might look like. Will they have Jimmy’s big nose and my eyes with bright red hair? Will they have my nose (before bubz slammed it in the door) and Jimmy’s big smile and Jimmy’s dark hair? Will they be twin girls because that’s what I pray for a lot (LOL!)?

But I do know the answers to some: Will they be a nerd? Probably. Will they be homeschooled? Definitely! Will they know who Ariel, Mickey, Minnie, Yoda, Nemo, Rapunzel, and Simba are? DUH! Will they be well versed in kid Bible songs? More than likely!

Will they be just what we asked and prayed for? Of course.

They’ll be all of that and much, much, more ❤

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Running Playlist

Hey everyone! So it’s been since August that I blogged last! I started vlogging and I have my own youtube channel – http://www.youtube.com/lisa47z and it’s ALMOST daily. Anyways, I started doing that to capture my 30th year since I was dreading it so much.

A few things have changed since August! First off, I have a new beautiful niece, Elizabeth Rose. She was born on September 30th. She’s such a blessing.

Second – and the reason for this post – is I have started walking again. I really slacked off since the Color Me Rad 5k and I gained some serious weight. I started to feel depressed and since our home is broken and we aren’t living there, I am under a LOT of stress. I either over-eat or I don’t eat at all. It was like I couldn’t find a happy balance between the two. So I decided to start walking again. The first day, I re-downloaded Runtastic (my app of choice) and laced up my shoes and walked out the front door. It was suddenly like a breath of fresh air. The music was so perfect and the temperature was right and oh, it was great! I did 3 miles that day and I did it in under the time that I finished my 5k and that made me very happy! I try to walk at least 5 miles a week. I occasionally jog or run but I just walk really fast. Since I have started this 3 (maybe?) I have lost about 5 pounds. It really helps my mood and my energy.

I do, however, walk alone. It gets boring but I have a great God who I think has an amazing sense of humor and gives me the best songs to jam out to. Sometimes I throw my hands in the air and praise and worship God and others I slow down and enjoy my stroll and look up at the clouds. My in-laws have neighbours but I don’t really see them and plus, if me singing at the top of my lungs, crying my heart and soul out to Jesus is the only time they hear those songs, then at least I’m planting a seed. Right? Right!

So since music is such a HUGE part of my workout, I’m going to give you my running playlist. Now, I will say this much – I have a VERY eclectic taste in music. I’m constantly adding music to it. The ones with !! next to it are ones I REALLY love to walk to. These are in no order either. It’s on shuffle right now.

Backstreet Boys – In a World Like This (it’s the first song on the list)
Passion Band – Rise and Sing (it’s a good one to wake up to!)
!! Katrina & The Waves – Walking on Sunshine (“our” fast song!)
Katy Perry – Firework (you’re original, you cannot be replaced)
Toby Mac – Get Back Up (you may be knocked down but not out forever!)
!! The Isley Brothers – Shout! (great oldies song that you can dance to!)
Rend Collective Experiment – Build Your Kingdom Here (clapping and dancing and praising God – it does NOT get any better than that!)
Bob Seger – Old Time Rock & Roll (I just love this song)
!! Queen – Another One Bites the Dust (I look at ‘another’ as ‘weight’ and I’m very happy when one bites the dust!)
Bon Jovi – It’s My Life (I just wanna live while I’m alive!)
Backstreet Boys – We’ve Got It Goin’ On (good ole 90s pop!)
!! Chris Tomlin & Lecrae – Awake My Soul (this song gets me pumped!)
!! Chris Tomlin – Our God (this is my main ‘throw the hands in the air and sing at the top of your lungs and praise God’ song!)
Chris Tomlin – Spirit Fall (the drums in this are awesome)
(okay I said it was random and it gave me 3 Chris Tomlin songs back to back!)
Justin Timberlake – Mirrors (I just love JT)
!! David Crowder Band – I Saw the Light (have you heard how fast this song is? Okay then…)
Kenny Loggins – Footloose (makes me think of Michelle every time!)
!! Toby Mac – Funky Jesus Music (proof that Christian music isn’t as boring as some people think it is!)
Florida Georgia Line featuring Nelly – Cruise (I love this version much better than the original)
The Proclaimers – I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles) {totally random but I love this cheesy song!}
Backstreet Boys – Feels Like Home (Can’t forget the NYC! It makes me miss my family up in NJ and the few in NY!)
!! ShayCarl – The Socks Song! (I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE THIS SONG!)
!! Chris Tomlin – God’s Great Dance Floor (I’m sure the people who see me when this song is on, probably laugh at me because of all my crazy dance moves!)
!! Chris Tomlin with Passion Band – All My Fountains (lots and lots of clapping!)
!! Black Eyed Peas – I Gotta Feelin’ (killer beat!)
Alabama – Mountain Music (whoa fiddle awesomeness!)
!! Mandisa – Overcomer (the song I have claimed as my weight loss/get fit anthem!)
Backstreet Boys – Permanent Stain (this song has an awesome beat!)
Lady Antebellum – Stars Tonight (Get on your feet if it feels good, if it feels right!)
Cyndi Lauper – Girls Just Wanna Have Fun (hello 80s!)
Natalie Grant – I Will Not Be Moved (I will make mistakes, I will face heartache but I will not be moved! – umm HELLO!)
Little Big Town – We Go Together (this song makes me laugh like crazy!)
Martha and the Vandellas – Dancin’ in the Street (makes you wanna…dance!)
!! Sawyer Brown – The Race is On (dude, it’s a RACE!)
!! Kristian Stanfill – One Thing Remains (if you know me, you know that THIS is my song!)
Backstreet Boys – It’s Christmas Time Again (catchy beat and words!)
Whitney Houston – I’m Every Woman (GIRL POWER!)
Newsboys – Way Beyond Myself (Newsboys is just awesome to begin with and this song has a very catchy beat!)
U2 – Beautiful Day (9 times out of 10, it’s a beautiful day!)
!! Mandisa featuring Toby Mac – Good Morning (wave away my yesterday cause I’m leaving it behind me!)
DC Talk – Jesus Freak (well, hello 90s Christian Rock!)
!! Kirk Franklin featuring Salt – Stomp (my hip-hop song!)
!! We The Kings – Just Keep Breathing (there are no words to describe my love for this song!)
Tim Hughes – Happy Day (great song, great moves!)
Backstreet Boys – Love Somebody (because I wanna look good in purple jeans)
(next is a song that feels weird after BSB)
Justin Timberlake – Rock Your Body (don’t be so quick to walk away)
Lady Antebellum – Perfect Day (great country beat)
Sesame Street – Monster in the Mirror (YES! Sesame Street! Grover to be exact! It helps me to remember one of the reasons that I want to get healthy and that is so Chloe will have a healthy Aunt!)
Backstreet Boys – Show ‘em What You’re Made Of (You’ve got to stand for something even if you stand alone, don’t be afraid, it’s gonna be alright!)
Backstreet Boys – Everybody {Backstreet’s Back} (ummm hello! Have y’all seen the video for this? Need I say more?!)
!! Chris Tomlin – Lay Me Down (The beat! The beat! The beat!)
Dead or Alive – You Spin Me Round
!! The Lumineers – Oh Hey (the chorus is for my honey!)
!! Will Smith on the Graham Norton Show – Fresh Prince medley (it’s 3 songs and they make me move!)
!! Mandisa – Stronger (this song is just awesome!)
Taylor Swift – Mean (One word: banjo!)
Spice Girls – Wannabe (GIRL POWER!)
!! Survivor – Eye of the Tiger (this should be on EVERYONE’S workout list!)
Puff Daddy featuring Faith Evans and 112 – I’ll Be Missing You (a nice cool down song)
One Republic – Counting Stars (the beat!)
Chris Tomin – Whom Shall I Fear? (oh Chris Tomlin…)
Mandisa – He is with You (there’s a time to live and a time to die)
!! Ylvis – What Does The Fox Say? (YES THIS IS REALLY ON HERE! I really, really love this song! Don’t judge!)
Steven Curtis Chapman – Speechless (this song has an awesome meaning!)

So yeah… there you go!

I hope you enjoyed this list and maybe got a good laugh out of it! What are your favorite running/walking/workout songs?

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Ending our Bible series!

Our Bible series is done! Here’s the last video in it! Check it out!

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Birthday

So here’s some more awesomeness to add to your day!

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Getting ready!

This was a spur of the moment vlog! I hope you enjoy it! And, yes, I’m REALLY hyper today!

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Bible series continues!

Today we dive in to TWO verses! Yep, 2! Phil. 4:13 and John 14:15!

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Fun stuff!!

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Second Verse!

Today we dive in to 2 Timothy 1:7. My second favorite Bible verse!

Yes, my hair is different!

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A little Bible fun!

I know I was supposed to do my Bible verse for today but I wasn’t prepared so I did this instead! I had a lot of fun and I hope you enjoy it!

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Mama Mia!

This morning one of my best friends posted about her mom. So instead of doing the Bible vlog this morning, I decided to talk about my Mama! I know it’s kinda random but I had fun making it! I hope you enjoy!

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